You Are A Priority, Too!
Women from an early age are taught to be caretakers. With years of redirecting your focus outward, you may not know you need something until you’re exhausted, your nerves unraveling or you have an emotional breakdown. This is no good for you or the people you love, but since we’re talking about you, this is no good for you!
In 12 step recovery, there is a story and term called “drop the rock.” In the story some people in taking a boat ride to island of Serenity. As they leave the dock, a woman named Mary is rushing to make the boat. Some doubt she’ll make it. Other shout encouragements to her. She jumps in the water swimming as hard as she can to catch the boat, but she is growing ever tired and beginning to go under as the boat pulls away. Passengers yell out, “Drop the rock. Drop the rock.” She notices something around her neck, but keeps swimming. This cycle of exertion, going under and crying out happens three times. Finally, Mary slows down enough for their yelling to click. She understands that the “rock” is the item around her neck, and its weighing her down.
In recovery, the rock is given the name “character defect.” I call it the ways we learned to survive. We have learned or were taught to qualities associated with the gender of being a woman. For example, physical attractiveness, empathy, kindness, and nurturing. These are wonderful qualities, but they is a stark difference in expectations for men as noted in this Pew Research trend.
We need to begin asking ourselves which of these rocks need to be dropped to become our full, healthy selves. The journey to knowing which ones belong and which ones to drop require selfishness. You will have to say “No” when people ask you to do things. Your time and energy will have to become more precious to you. In the end, you want to learn to engage in activities that are born from your desire to do them. The only way to do that is making you and what you want a priority.
Below are ways to begin making yourself a priority, and connecting to things you energize you.
Action:
For a week, if you don’t want to do something, don’t do it. Let’s be clear. I’m not telling you not to go to work. If that’s the case, then call me. We need to schedule a session. This action allows you to ask for help, delegate tasks, or redesign how your household functions. You don’t need to do all the things all times.
Engage boundaries. Think of an activities you love, but rarely do because of “time.” Schedule it into your calendar, and don’t break the commitment to yourself. If you live with others, tell them you are not to be disturbed during your scheduled time. If you have a partner and children, ask your partner to be the go-to person for your alone time.
Write a memory from your childhood when you felt the most free. Use all of your sense to bring the story to life.